Why It’s Not Selfish to Seek Help: Breaking Cultural Stigma with Online Trauma Counseling in California
Is It Really Selfish—Or Just Different from What You Were Taught?
You’ve always tried to be thoughtful. Reliable. Grateful. Maybe you pride yourself on being someone others can count on—or at least you feel like you should be. So when it comes to your own well-being, you hesitate. You tell yourself,
“I’m fine,” or
“Other people have it worse.”
Taking a break feels indulgent. Saying no feels wrong. Going to therapy? That feels… selfish.
Caught between duty and exhaustion—it’s okay to need space for yourself.
If any of this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Many people raised in immigrant, high-expectation, or survival-focused families internalize guilt for wanting support. You might feel bad resting when there’s still work to be done—or feel uneasy spending money or time on yourself when others seem to need more. These quiet, lingering feelings of guilt aren’t personal flaws—they’re cultural echoes. Messages passed down about what it means to be good, strong, and selfless.
But here’s the truth: constantly pushing your needs aside doesn’t make you more loving. It just makes you exhausted—and quietly resentful. And that tug-of-war inside you? It’s not weakness. It’s a sign that something deeper needs care.
Therapy doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means you’re listening—to the parts of you that have waited long enough.
Family Before Self: The Legacy We Inherited (and Still Carry)
Before we call these patterns “unhealthy,” it’s important to understand why they’ve lasted for generations. In many Asian and immigrant families, putting others first isn’t just a personal trait—it’s a value deeply rooted in history and survival. For centuries, family and community served as protection. Belonging to a group meant safety, stability, and shared resources. Sacrifice wasn’t weakness; it was love expressed through action.
Even today, these values still shape the best of who we are. We learn to think of others, to honor our elders, to take responsibility, and to work hard for something bigger than ourselves. A son who supports his parents in their later years, a couple who prioritizes their children’s needs before their own, or an immigrant parent who gives up a dream for their child’s education—these are acts of courage and devotion that deserve respect.
These traditions teach us empathy and endurance. They remind us that love isn’t just spoken; it’s lived through commitment and care. When seen through this lens, what we often call “selflessness” is actually a deep expression of loyalty and hope—one that connects us to our ancestors and to each other.
When a Good Value Starts to Hurt
While many of us deeply value caring for others—especially family—we often weren’t taught how to care for ourselves. We didn’t learn how to pause and ask, What do I need? or how to name our feelings without shame. Not because we failed—but because our parents didn’t learn how either. Generations before us were focused on survival and sacrifice. In many immigrant and Asian American families, putting others first wasn’t just a moral value—it was a way to stay safe, respected, and connected.
But over time, this survival wisdom can become rigid. We start to believe we must choose: either honor the family or honor ourselves. Speaking up, setting boundaries, or admitting we’re overwhelmed begins to feel selfish. And so we stay quiet, push through, or ignore our needs entirely.
Self-care isn’t selfish—it’s what sustains you and your loved ones.
This pattern shows up in many ways. A mother may love her family deeply, but never learn to care for her own well-being—until burnout starts to affect how present she can be. A parentified child may carry the weight of the family with pride, yet never learn how to soothe their own anxiety or ask for help. What begins as love slowly turns into self-erasure.
But honoring yourself doesn’t mean turning your back on your family. It means including your needs, your voice, and your well-being in the picture. You are part of the family, too—and your care matters. Learning to value yourself is not betrayal. It’s a path to more balanced, lasting connection.
It’s Not Either/Or—You Can Care for Family and Yourself
What if it’s not a choice between your family or yourself—but both? Many of us grew up thinking we had to sacrifice our needs to prove our love. But the truth is, you can care deeply for others and still make space for your own healing. Setting a boundary or tending to your emotional well-being isn’t selfish—it’s how we build lasting connection.
JC Insight Therapy offers Online trauma counseling in California offers a quiet, culturally sensitive space to explore this very tension. You don’t have to explain why family matters. Your therapist already understands that honoring your culture and your healing can go hand in hand. Therapy becomes a place where you’re not asked to abandon your values—but to reflect on how to carry them without losing yourself.
Boundaries and self-care aren’t opposites of family loyalty. They’re the practices that help you stay grounded, present, and emotionally available to those you love. When you nourish your emotional world, you often find more capacity to give—not less. Sometimes, taking care of yourself is also how you care for your family.
These shifts don’t happen all at once. But with time, and the right support, it’s possible to rewrite the old either/or script into something more balanced, kind, and sustainable—for everyone.
Online Trauma Counseling in California Helps Break Generational Patterns with Compassion
You don’t have to choose—healing can hold both family and self.
You don’t have to pass down guilt, silence, or emotional burden—just because you inherited it. Healing doesn’t mean turning your back on family. It means learning to include yourself in the care you so willingly give to others.
If you’ve never been asked what you need, it’s okay to start now. Even wondering is a meaningful first step.
Online trauma counseling in California offers a private, supportive space to explore these questions without shame or pressure. With the right support, you can unpack old beliefs, shift how you relate to yourself and your family, and find more balance.
Start small. Read more. Book a consultation. Or simply ask yourself: What do I need today?
Healing doesn’t require a full plan—just one moment of honesty and care at a time.
About the Author
Jingyi (Jing) Chen is a trauma-informed therapist and the founder of JC Insight Therapy, offering online trauma counseling throughout California. She specializes in supporting Asian Americans and adult children of emotionally complex or immigrant families. Jingyi’s culturally sensitive and somatic-based approach helps clients navigate family expectations, emotional burnout, and intergenerational patterns—without losing connection to where they come from. Through a balance of insight, care, and nervous system awareness, JC Insight Therapy creates space for healing that honors both self and family. Learn more at jcinsighttherapy.com.
